Ever had that feeling before?
I�chanced upon a secondary school friendapos;s blog from another secondary school friend who is now a MediaCorp artiste.� I doubt heapos;d remember me though - we kind of disappeared from each otherapos;s lives when i moved to Junior College.� It brought back memories and feelings that iapos;ve had since i was 15, and it makes me think about it all now.
Iapos;ve never been one to be extremely social - i just canapos;t.� I tend to have one or two friends and i stick with them (translate: bug the hell out of them) throughout the time that i know them. �Sometimes they slip away, maybe because we stopped talking or maybe we lost contact accidentaly, who knows.� At that age, i was already very amazed at how certain people could pick up friends from everywhere, even other schools that were in no way related to what we were doing in ours.� They managed to maintain friendships, and even get to know more people, while i was just stuck knowing the few that i did.� One could argue that they had many superficial friends and i had a few reliable ones, and i would tell you thatapos;s only half true on both accounts.� It was then that i was trying so hard to fit in, to be a friend-ly person and amass as many friends as possible, and though i didnapos;t manage to do so in the end, iapos;m still not too sure if it was a good thing that i didnapos;t.� As a result, i was always the odd one out - an outcast even, because no body wanted to waste time on me due to the fact that they wouldnapos;t get to know anyone else through me, so it was kinda like a dead end.
The same happened to me in Junior College (the equivalent of high school i think), and i wasnapos;t really very popular. �In fact, i was downright unnamed, known only as "the guy who played guitar for chapel".� More people knew me for that, and also for the ulterior motive of knowing the other girls in my class, who were deemed at that time to be the most attractive girls in school.� So in the end very few people really wanted to know me for me, which isnapos;t to say that i tried, but for some reason i was always one-upped everywhere i turned - people were richer, had better resources, had more talents and so on.� And i was jealous.
I�was jealous, not because i didnapos;t have the same talents or fitness or resources that they did - i was very comfortable (and i still am) with who i was/am.� I�was jealous because these people seemed to have it so easy.� Theyapos;d get friends, pick up girls, go out and have fun, etc.� And the things theyapos;d do, like go for movies, walk around town, were things that i enjoyed doing as well, but i would only enjoy it with other people.� Theyapos;d have parties, and stayovers and class outings, but i was never invited, not even to my own class outings, and it made me wonder if there was something wrong with me.
Army came, and left, and i entered University and eventually moved into hall.� i joined handball because i liked the sport, but also because it had a sense of where i belonged to, my kind of people.� Yet after a while i realized that i didnapos;t really belong there either - weapos;d train and supper together, but i think that was about it.� I�was never recognized there, and on the team i was always a sub.� It was the same in the orientation committee, and in choir, that the little things that got done by me were always left unnoticed and people usually left with no more an impression of me than when they started.� My room started to be the only place where i really belonged, because of who and what was always there, and i was always happy to get back to it, just to be there.
And now that iapos;ve left, i wonder again - where do i belong?� Iapos;ve lost my group in church even - theyapos;ve all split either to join other groups or are on other sides of the world.� I do things that everyone else doesnapos;t seem to in my church, and thus itapos;s a great relief when i hung out once with some friends from VCF who would do the things i do, so i donapos;t feel so condemned about it anymore. Iapos;m known when iapos;m around, but itapos;s quite sad to think that iapos;m hardly remembered.� And after all these years i still have problems forging friendships, which is why when each one that i had disappears it takes out a part of me along with it.� Iapos;m not as cold hearted as i wish i was, and so eventually i start to feel the way i do now.
Like iapos;d pass through each place again, and each stage of life, but thereapos;s no place that i belong.
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That being said, itapos;s not to say iapos;m not happy with my life, though iapos;m known to be jealous of others at times, when they get what they want on whim, but i canapos;t, despite the fact that it so much cheaper/reasonable/accessible/etc that what the other people would get.� Itapos;s just that i simply am not content with the state of my life, because i refuse to believe that this is all there is to it.� To put it plainly, it canapos;t be just all about research, work, studies, and handball, and that pretty much sums up my week.� This also explains why iapos;m very happy to take time to talk to people or meet up with them when i do, which the latter doesnapos;t occur very often.� People tell me to get used to it, itapos;s the harsh reality, and i agree. �But that doesnapos;t mean i canapos;t improve it, nor do i have to like it.� I�simply deny that my life should just be stuck with paper and reports and computer and even handball.��There has to be more to it, and there must be more excitement than the mundane trudge i face in a cycle each week.
In essence, "surely there must be something more".
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