Ahhh, the jukebox. It makes or breaks a bar, does it not? A well-crafted, diverse musical selection on a bar jukebox speaks volumes about the temperament of the staff as well as the amount of care given by the owners to insure that everyone has a great time. Iapos;ve been to a lot of bars where a carefully selected, nice eclectic mix of music on the juke is just icing on the cake. These bars get repeat business by myself and my buddies.
Then there is the Internet Jukebox, which my bar has. These usually indicate that the owners have no imagination or taste, and that directly reflects upon the barstaff, which kind of sucks. Itapos;s so easy to touch that screen and instantly bring up Rage Against the Machine, Insane Clown Posse, that "sweet" Beastie Boys track or (if youapos;re a lesbian) some 10,000 Maniacs. Dooooode They got Chris Cornell on here
Itapos;s also easy for bartenders and friends of bartenders to torture patrons with obscure, impossibly long, or just plain awful music and watch them squirm. Here is a by no means comprehensive list of songs I like to download when Iapos;m feeling a little devilish and sadistic, usually played by me after 1:30 am and Iapos;ve had it with people and I want them to go home:
1) Alan Lomax field recording - Some bizarre Italian childrenapos;s choir that is one of the most bizarre "songs" Iapos;ve ever heard, its three minutes of screeching weirdness ALWAYS elicits a "what the fuck was THAT?" every time I play it. Every time.
2) Almost anything by Sun Ra, especially if itapos;s longer than 15 minutes. Torture
3) "Night Falls on Hoboken" by Yo La Tengo - I love this song, really I do, itapos;s super pretty. BUT...itapos;s over 14 minutes long and the bassline never changes out of a slow raga-like groove. I mean it NEVER changes. For 14 minutes. Plus, lots of feedback. Pretty tedious.
4) "Monday Night Party (Are You Ready For Some Football)" by Hank Williams Jr. - People really hate this song.
5) Anything by Enrico Caruso or Pavarotti. Iapos;ve also been known to play Josh Groban. Watching Jager-slurping frat boys wince while hearing this is easily the best two bucks a person like me could spend.
6) "Yoo Doo Right" by Can - My coup-de-gras, my ace in the hole, my secret weapon. I love love LOVE this song. 20 minutes of repetitive slow-groove and chanting It just builds and builds and...goes nowhere. People really hate this song, they beg me to press the skip button. I do not. I played this last night at 2:00 am. The song and artist are displayed on the screen while the track plays, so some stumbly semi-retarded waif checked the screen to see which band was laying down the torture. "WHOEVER LIKES CAN SUCKS" she yelled to the dozen or so people left in the bar. I took it as a compliment.
7) "Always Crush Me" by Guided by Voices - I am a HUGE fan of GBV and I fucking hate this song. Itapos;s way too trebley and screechy and horrible, so it fits just fine with the Torture Jukebox experiment. Watch people literally put their fingers in their ears
This is by no means a comprehensive list of Torture Jukebox songs (I actually could do this all day), so Iapos;m gonna end it here. Time to walk the dog.
Hey, four people that read my LJ, what would some of your Torture Jukebox songs be?
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